A parallel universe?

“Hello there. Fancy seeing you here. Are you by yourself? Have a seat then, I’m just on my break and God, that dickhead is fucking killing me. You remember him right? That pig thinks he could walk all over me, I don’t give a rat’s ass if he’s my boss, if he keeps treating me like shit I will show him what I’m capable of. I am doing karate lovey, if you must know. That incompetent loser would be out of job already if it wasn’t for me anyway. God, look, I’m on my break and I can’t get away from him.

Let’s talk about you.

How has life been treating you lately?

Dearie, nothing is worth that much stress if you ask me. Look, I’ll give you the number of this lovely masseur I go to every time, he just takes all the worries away.

Hahaha! I’ve always loved your naivety. I have absolutely no idea what kind of massage he does, to tell you the truth he’s never given me a massage ever. I’ll tell you this though darling, he could sure use those lovely hands of his quite well. Have I also mentioned he’s French?

Oh that’s right you’re going out with that nice boy, err, whats-his-name, aren’t you? You’ve been with him for quite a while now, God I don’t know how you do it. I’d be bored out of my ass if I were you. Is the sex still good? It always turns sour when I hit the one-month mark. Have you considered having a threesome? Yes, I am being serious, you know I never joke around when it comes to this. Well you know my number anyway, I’d be glad to help you out. Plus I’ve taken quite a liking to your boy. Better hold on to him or I will pounce on him like a horny tiger. I’m joking honey, he’s not my type.

God, you are stressed.

Here’s another masseur, he gives the best massage, you will absolutely forget who you are. Pity he’s not as good in bed. On another note, I have heard this thing about you and some other guy. Honey you are boring as hell but I must admit you have some juicy stories. Do tell hon, you must. So who was it?

You mean that guy with the—?

Who looks as if he hasn’t—?

I do know him, nice guy, but what the fuck were you thinking? Allright, I think I know what your problem is. We’ve all been there, I’ve been there a lot of times, although it probably doesn’t look like it. The reason why I get bored with all those men within four weeks is because most of them do not know what they’re doing. They don’t know how to make me feel like a woman. A little push here, a bit of a grope there, and the idiots think they have mastered it.

Let me tell you something lovey. You think that just because puny blokes like him would do anything for you, tell you you’re the sexiest girl alive, that you have the tightest bum in the whole world, tell you everything your ego wants to hear, make you feel like a woman. Well, they’re only looking for an easy root. Those boys are fuelled by porn-filled fantasies, that somehow, when it comes to sex, all women are like, and should be like those whores they watch when their mothers aren’t looking.

Women like us don’t need them, but unfortunately there’s a bloody lot of them rampaging around. Luckily though, if you’ve got the eye for it like I do, true men are not that hard to find. And lady, I can tell you, you’ve got one of them. They make you act like a woman, think like a woman and become like a woman. And you don’t turn into a sex-goddess because they told you you were one and somehow you have to act like one, but they turn you into a sex-fucking-goddess and you know you are one and you’re loving it. For them it’s not about an easy fuck but they give you what you deserve. They don’t just compliment your perky boobs or your hot legs, he makes you feel good about your eyebrows that have not been plucked for a week beause they make your eyes look more seductive, your crooked smile because it makes you look like a bitch who’s on top of her game and loves how your mascara had smudged all over your face because you were sweating too much while he was banging you from behind.

Darling are you getting all of this?

It reminds me of that time when I was seeing this guy who thought he was the fucking god of love, and yet the only thing remarkably big about him was his ego. God you’re never going to believe this but his “manhood” was the size of a—oh shit I have to run.

Break over, have to serve the pig again, five more hours, need more cigarettes…Lovely chat darling, we should do this again. All the best with your relationship. Keep me up-to-date. I do envy you, I haven’t had a decent bloke for only-God-knows-how-long because of that pig. He is the bane of my existence. Mind you the sex is absolutely fantastic. Bye now.”